


This Should Be An Interesting Year

by FadingCrystalVoid



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, American Sign Language, Angst, College, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Muteness, Mutism, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sign Language, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Threats of Violence, Violence, college au but i've never been to college so a lot of it is like highschool, inspired by multiple other fanfictions (DEH and not)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-11-08 16:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11085897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadingCrystalVoid/pseuds/FadingCrystalVoid
Summary: After Connor's roommate commits suicide, he gets his own room. This is all he wanted but it might not go the way he expected. The first year of college might be more eventful than Connor was prepared for. What should he expect to happen throughout the year?I have two stories following the same storyline. This one is from Connor's point of view. I have written the same story from Evan's view as well (check my profile - It's called "Evan - Not What Was Expected"). Despite the stories being the same, I'd recommend reading both because then you get insight into they're minds, and also parts of the story when they're not together. It will improve your reading experience of both the stories.





	1. What An Interesting Day

Sunlight streamed in through the window.  _ Why didn’t the rooms have curtains? _ Connor thought, wiping sleep out of his eyes. Last day of break; college started tomorrow. Connor looked around his room for something to block the sun coming through the window; nothing. He shoved his face into the pillow with a grunt. Luke looked up, once realising that it was morning.

 

“Connor, dude. We start classes tomorrow which means we have to get schedules, meet the teachers and loads more today. Are you going to get up?” He asked, sitting up in bed and putting slippers on.

 

The only response Connor gave was a grunt. “I’ll go tomorrow.”

 

“Connor! You can’t get your timetable tomorrow. You have to know before you start classes.” He said, shaking Connor on his bed, forcing him to wake up.

 

“Fine, fine! I’ll get up. Happy jackass?” Connor was clearly aggravated at having to share a room. His parents had tried to get him a private room to make him less angry but it was no hope; the dorms were full and all the single rooms were changed to doubles.

 

“You’ll appreciate me one day.” He replied with a smirk. “I’m gonna go shower.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“No going back to sleep, ok?”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” His response was quite sarcastic which Luke picked up on; rolling his eyes as he walked out the door.

 

Once Luke was out of the room, he rolled over and closed his eyes. It was no use; he was awake. He got up, changed out of his pajamas, opting to wear a plain grey t-shirt, black skinny jeans and a black hoodie which he always wore. Without packing his bag, he left his room to go smoke. He had tried the night before to smoke in his room but his roommate had asthma and so, couldn’t without being a murderer. As he walked out the door, he checked for staff, and lit the joint. He walked around to the back of the building, figuring he would be less likely to get caught there.

 

After about half an hour, Connor put the joint out on the ground and started to walk back to his room. He spent the trip back thinking about why his parents hated him so much as to make him share a room. Luke wasn’t that bad, he just kept complaining about having no friends and how much it costed for his family to get him to college. Connor couldn’t really care about Luke’s problems, he just wanted a room to himself where he could smoke without getting caught.

 

Once back to his room, he noticed Luke still wasn’t back but he assumed he went out to get his schedule and whatever else he was complaining about. After fifteen minutes of lying on his bed thinking about the coming year, he decided he should do something with the day since he was forced to wake up.

 

Connor went to the front desk to get his schedule and looked over it. His classes were pretty evenly spread out which sucked cause he would have one hour breaks in between heaps of classes. He noticed that he had no classes at all on Thursday and so, he instantly deemed that his favorite day. Then he noticed Friday had a class starting at 6:45am. That was far too early for Connor. The rest of his classes were at reasonable times. He went to the next desk to collect study materials. On the day before school, the college set up the hall with different desks for study stuff. The first desk dealt with schedules, and the next was the laptops. His parents had given him $500 for school supplies because they knew about the supplies being handed out the day before school started. 

 

There were plenty of laptops left since a lot of students couldn’t afford one. It was $300 to own the laptop for the length of their course. Technically, they were just borrowing the laptops since they had to give them back at the end of the course, with the exchange of $200 back. He payed the lady the money and picked a laptop; he chose to get a macbook pro because that's what he was used to. The next table had pens, pencils, books and old fashioned study supplies for the students who couldn’t afford a computer. Connor walked right passed this table, scoffing at the poorer kids. The rest of the tables were mostly consisting of information stands and a counseling table.

 

It was a condition of Connor staying in a dorm that he went to see a therapist while he was there. He walked over to the table and the lady there looked at him with the biggest smile.

 

“Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to take care of yourself.” She looked middle-aged but also like she was trying really hard to seem young and hip. “Are you interested in group therapy, or something more private?”

 

“Private.” He grumbled, almost impossible to understand.

 

“Is that with a psychologist?”

 

“I don’t care. I’m only here cause my parents made me. Just sign me up for whatever.”

 

“Ok. I’ll sign you up for our group therapy. How’s that sound?”

 

“I thought I said private?” Connor said, raising his voice.

 

“Sorry. I didn’t hear that.”

 

“I don’t care. I’ll go to the group class, if I can be assed to go.” And with that, he turned and walked out of the building.

 

“Hey, Connor. Still haven't shot anyone? Well done.” Said a familiar voice in front of him. Connor looked up from his feet to see one Jared Kleinman.

 

“What the hell do you want?” Respond a clearly pissed off Connor.

 

“I’m just surprised you made it to college without shooting up a school. I’m proud of you dude.” Jared laughed, making it clear that he was not, in fact, proud of Connor and was just trying to piss him off. 

 

“Fuck off!” He yelled.

 

“Fine, freak. Just give me a heads up when you're gonna shoot up the school so I can bail that day.”

 

“You’d be the first one I’d shoot Kleinman!”

 

“Nice to know your thinking of me.” He replied, terrified of being shot but trying to sound like he didn’t care.

 

“Go fuck yourself!” Connor said, continuing to walk, shoving Jared hard enough to make him to stumble.

 

Once Connor was back at his room, he noticed there was a sticky note on his pillow. It read:

 

_ Hey Connor, I thought I would write this to you since my parents arn’t here. If you want to know where I am, follow these instructions: _

_ Walk out the dorm, turn left, walk about two-hundred feet into the forest. Then, walk straight left (45º), until you find a clearing. There, you should find me. Sorry. _

_ \- Luke _

 

Connor took the note with him and started to follow the instructions. He was so confused.  _ Why had Luke left him this note? Why not someone else?  _ When he got to the clearing, it was almost 1pm; he had been walking for who knows how long.

 

He looked around and saw nothing. He walked to the middle of the clearing and found another note.

 

_ Connor, if you find this, you probably have many questions. For starters, I stole a tub of xanax from the school pharmacy and used them to overdose. By the time you find this note, I will either be dead or very close to death. I emailed my parents saying goodbye so don’t worry about them. And hey, now you get your own room you lucky guy. _

_ \- Luke _

 

Oh god. Connor read over the letter again and again, trying to make sense of what he read. The week before he had tried to OD but wasn’t able to even get the drugs in his mouth thanks to Zoe.

 

Connor, trying to think of what to do, started bolting back to the school. He didn’t want to be the one to find Luke’s dead body. He figured someone would notice him missing and would go looking for him. And besides, Luke was right, now Connor got his own room. 

 

_ Should I feel bad? I didn’t really know him at all. I mean, we met last night.  _ Despite only just meeting, Connor still felt partly responsible for Luke’s death.  _ Should I have noticed he was depressed? All he ever did was complain about his life. It wasn’t my fault, right? I didn’t do anything. Anyway, it’s not like I could have done anything to stop him even if I wanted to. _

 

After the rest of the day was spent laying on the bed, debating what to do, he decided he should tell someone. He grabbed the sticky notes off the bedside table, and walked to the guidance counsellor. He was confronted by the same person he spoke to earlier that day.

 

“Hello again. What can I do for you this time?”

 

“I - uh. I found these notes from my roommate, Luke.” Connor stated. “I, ugh, I don’t know his last name.”

 

She looked at him, concerned.

 

“These notes. The second one says that he killed himself with xanax. I don’t exactly where he is but I know the rough area. As soon as I found the second note, I ran cause I didn’t want to be the one to find his body.”

 

“Ok.” The lady said. She seemed unsure of what to say. She probably hadn’t dealt with a student suicide before; and definitely not before classes even started. “Can I have the notes please?” Connor handed over the notes.

 

“When did you get these notes?”

 

“When I went back to my room. One was on my pillow. I guess that was around 11:30. Maybe.”

 

“And the other note?”

 

“I got that one after walking into the clearing stated on the first note. Maybe around 1pm. I honestly have no idea though.”

 

“Ok. Well it’s too late for us to go out now but I will call the police. Can you stay here so they can talk to you when they get here?”

 

“I’ve told you everything I know.”

 

“Ok, but you will still have to talk to the police.”

 

_ To Be Continued... _


	2. First Day Of College

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at chapter titles (sorry).
> 
> WARNING: Again, mentions of Luke's suicide are in this so be carful if it may trigger you. Also, knew warning, self-harm is also mentioned in this one.

After two long, boring hours of talking to the cops, Connor was allowed to leave to go to bed. By the time he got to his room, it was 11:34pm. Connor debated going to bed since he did start classes the next day. Truth be told, Connor didn’t even want to go to college. He only went cause his parents said he would never be happy if he didn’t get a degree. Connor thought this was quite ironic because he would never be happy regardless.

 

He went over and lay on his bed, grabbing his laptop. He checked his emails and found one new one. It was from the school.

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy, _

 

_ I have been informed of your predicament with your roommate, Luke. I know you must be hurting from the loss of your new friend but since it’s the start of the year, you cannot afford to miss classes. If you feel that you really cannot attend class in your state, let the office know and we can sort something out. _

 

_ Yours sincerely, _

_ Mr Walker _

_ Whitehall College Headmaster _

 

_ Why would I be hurting? We only met yesterday.  _ Connor thought to himself. He was a little annoyed that he couldn't use it as an excuse to get out of class but he dealt with it. It made sense being the start of the year and all.

 

He put his laptop on the desk next to him and grabbed his phone to play some music. After a playlist was selected, he rolled over and closed his eyes. A little while later, he fell asleep.

 

Mornings were always difficult for Connor. He hated waking up early. Although his first class didn’t start until 8:45am, he still had to have breakfast and get ready for class.

 

As the sun came streaming through the window, Connor realised it was morning. He groaned as he sat up, wiping his eyes.  _ Now I have no one to force me to go to class. _ He thought, remembering yesterday’s events. It was at this point that he realised he was going to miss Luke for a bit.

 

He grabbed his phone off the table, noticing that it was on 5% battery.  _ Fuck. I forgot to charge it. _ He then remembered he hadn’t even unpacked so he went over to his suitcase which was at the end of his bed and unzipped it. He found his phone charger and plugged it in first. Then, upon finding his toiletries and clothes, made his way to the showers. Since it was morning, they were all taken and there was a short line. Connor walked back to his room, deciding to shower after class when hopefully there wouldn’t be a line. Once back in his room, he locked the door and got dressed.

 

After adding his typical black hoodie, he grabbed his phone (now of 34%) and walked out of the room. He walked to the carpark and got in his car. He drove for about thirty minutes, thinking about the crappy year that was ahead of him. He pulled into an Ihop he saw on the drive to the college. He took a seat in a booth and looked at the menu. He ordered some plain buttermilk pancakes and a coffee.

 

After breakfast, he walked back to his car and checked the time. It was 8am which means he could get back in time for class, so that’s what he did.

 

Once he arrived at school, he had fifteen minutes before his class started. He stopped by the counseling office to ask what time his sessions were. He got the choice of Mondays or Tuesdays at 5:30pm to 6:30pm, Thursdays at 4pm to 5pm or Saturdays at 2pm to 3pm. After looking over his timetable, he decided to go with Tuesday.

 

Soon after, he was walking to his first class, which was Literary Studies. The teacher introduced himself as Mr  Liversidge and started talking about the course syllabus. After emailing everyone the syllabus, he introduced the first book they were going to examine;  _ A Theory Of Justice by John Rawls _ . For most of the lesson, Connor zoned out, looking out the window onto the field. After the hour was over, Connor packed his stuff into his bag and walked back to his dorm. His next class wasn’t until 11am.

 

He lay on his bed and looked over his timetable. He was looking forward to his 3:30pm class as it was Journalism (aka the creative writing class). Connor realised that he forgot to get the book to read from the library. He got up, walked to the library and looked around. He ended up selecting  _ “Be More Chill” by Ned Vizzini  _ from the tiny Science Fiction shelf. Next, he walked up to a desk that had a sign above it saying ‘School Study Novels’. He requested one copy of  _ A Theory Of Justice _ and walked over to the checkout counter with the two books in hand.

 

After getting back to his room, he checked his phone and noticed the time; 10:25am. He decided to leave in twenty minutes and went to unpack his bags. It was then that he realised Luke’s stuff was still in the room. He went over to it, and looked through his stuff, noting that Luke couldn’t care. Connor didn’t find anything that could have added to Luke’s suicide case. He zipped up the bags and walked downstairs.

 

“What do I do with Luke’s stuff?” Connor questioned, gesturing to his stuff.

 

“You can just leave it here. We will send it back home to his family. Thankyou for bringing it down. I’ve been meaning to get around to it but I’ve been very busy today.” Said the lady. Connor had not seen her around before today. She had dark red hair which was tied up into a ponytail and she had black glasses on. She reminded Connor of the teacher he threw a printer at when he was eight.

 

“Okay.” Connor said, turning to leave without Luke’s stuff. Once outside, he considered going back to his room to unpack but decided against it, knowing his next class was on the other side of the campus.

 

His next lecture passed without anything interesting happening. There was three hours before his next lesson so he decided to go back to his dorm. It was at that moment, Connor remembered he hadn’t showered. He decided to unpack and then have a shower. After unpacking all of his stuff and putting his bags under his bed, he grabbed his toiletries.

 

The showers were completely empty; which Connor liked. He picked a stall, put his stuff on the bench and got undressed. Connor hated showers since it allowed him to look over his scarred body. Ever since Zoe walked in on Connor cutting a few days before, his parents did everything in their power to get him to stop. Well, everything except get him to a therapist. His dad believed Connor just did it for attention and so, refused to pay for medical help.

 

Before Connor left for college, his parents made him hand over all his blades to keep him safe. But now he had nothing to drown out his thoughts, he was becoming more depressed than ever.

 

After his shower, he dried off, got dressed again and went back to his room. He lay down on his bed and grabbed  _ Be More Chill _ from the desk. Reading was one of the things Connor did to relax, he loved it. By the time it was ready to leave for the next class, he had already read half the book. He shoved it into his bag, along with his laptop and left to go to the next class.

 

Usually, Connor sat in the back of the class near a window but this subject was different. This was one of the subjects Connor knew he would look forward to. The teacher was sitting at their desk at the front of the room. Once all the students had taken their seats, the teacher stood and introduced herself. Her name was Mrs Petrucci but said to call her by her first name; Juliet. She explained the course syllabus as Connor listened contently. Towards the end of the lesson, she requested a three thousand word short story so she could get a feel for her student’s writing style. Connor added this to his short list of homework on his phone and started packing his bag.

 

He was looking down at his phone while he walked back to his dorm and he accidentally bumped into Jared.

 

“Connor, how are you going?” Jared questioned as he took a step back from Connor.

 

“Why do you care?”

 

“I don’t. I was just trying to play nice so you would be less likely to shoot up the college.”

 

“Fuck off.” Connor said, quickly getting aggresive.

 

“Fine. Just remember you were the one that ran into me. I was minding my own business before hand.”

 

“Whatever.” He replied, starting to walk again.

 

“Freak.” Connor heard from behind him. He chose to ignore it.

 

Upon arriving at his room, he dropped his bag and lay on the bed. Once Connor realised it was 4:30 and he hadn’t had lunch, he decided to skip it; besides, dinner would be in just under two hours.

 

He grabbed the book from his bag and went back to reading. By 5:45, the book was finished. The library closed at 5pm so he would have to return it tomorrow. He decided he would start to write his three thousand word short story. Connor loved writing almost as much as reading. The ability to create a world in which Connor was god seemed really cool in Connor’s mind. A little while later, he went to the cafe downstairs and brought a sandwich for dinner and a muffin for dessert. He decided to go back to his room to eat.

 

After dinner, Connor started reading  _ A Theory Of Justice _ . Taking notes whenever he deemed it necessary. Before too long, it was time for bed. Connor ignored the messy state his room was quickly getting to and went over to the bed. He checked his text messages and emails, nothing new. Once again, he put a playlist on and went to sleep. First day of college over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be carful with yourself. You are a wonderful person no matter what others say.
> 
> If you are self-harming or even thinking of causing yourself harm, try and talk to someone who can get you help. I know it can't always be easy but it really does help. It took me so much courage to tell my Mum I wanted to get help but now that I have, my life is much better.


	3. The Voicemail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late. I'll try and keep updating at least once a week. I had a friend sleepover all last weekend so I didn't get a chance to write. Also, my beta checker hasn't checked this (they were too busy) so if you find any mistakes, let me know and I'll fix it.
> 
> WARNING: Suicide Mention (And kinda actual suicide, kinda)

The second day of college was an early start. Connor loved having his own room, he just wished it didn’t have to be an effect of Luke’s death. Despite only knowing him for less than twenty-four hours, Connor still missed him. He missed his nagging to keep the room organised. He missed his nagging to ‘ _get up and do something with his life’_. He missed his constant need to be doing something.

 

Rubbing his eyes, he grabbed his phone to check the time. It was 9am but it felt a lot earlier. Connor checked his notifications and saw a voicemail. He didn’t recognise the number but listened to the call regardless. The message was from 3am this morning and upon hearing the voice, he instantly knew who it was. Luke. He sounded so sad. Connor guessed this was soon before he took the pills or just after.

 

“Hi Connor. I know you probably won’t care to listen to this but if you do, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for nagging you all the time. Nagging you to do everything. I won’t be nagging you anymore. I won’t be anything anymore. I just, I’m sorry for being alive. Connor, I just wanted you to know that you were the first person I considered a friend. Were we friends? I hope so. I hope you considered me a friend. Probably not though. We did only meet yesterday. If I stayed alive, would we have become friends? I guess we will never know. I just want to talk to someone while I’m living my last minutes. I know you can’t reply but I’d like to think your listening. Goodbye, Connor.”

 

There was a pause in the message. _Is this real? Is this what he wanted me to hear before he died? Fuck! Luke, why did you do this? If you stayed, we could have become friends; If only I tried harder._ In his head, he was answering all of Luke’s questions. Then the voice came back.

 

“So, Connor, how was your day? Did you sleep well?” There was another pause. “I don’t know why I’m waiting for a reply, this is your voice mail. Moving in day was hectic, aye? I enjoyed the two days I had a-” The sentence was cut short from a coughing fit. The voice call went for a bit longer and then cut out.

 

 _Did I just hear Luke die? How am I supposed to react to this? I didn’t want to hear this. Would he still be here if I put more effort into being nice to him?_ Connor thought to himself. After hearing this call, he was certain it was not his fault Luke committed suicide yet he still felt guilty. He noticed tears in his eyes but blinked them away before they could escape.

 

Connor put his phone down and got dressed. He did not play music like he usually did. Connor didn’t feel he had a right to be happy after hearing that call. He was currently missing his first class but he didn’t care. After getting ready, he walked to the bathrooms to have a shower and brush his teeth.

 

Walking into the front office, he walked up to a lady he was now quite familiar to him.

 

“Hello, Jillian.” Connor started, thinking of telling them about the voicemail worried him but he knew he shouldn’t withhold it.

 

“Hello, Connor. How are you feeling today?”

 

“Uhh, alright. I got a voicemail.” Connor was met with a confused look as if asking ‘what has that got to do with anything?’ Connor continued. “It was from Luke.”

 

Relisation flooded her face and all she said was “Oh,”

 

“I thought the police might want it.”

 

“Probably. Would you like me to drive you to the station?”

 

“Yes please.” With that, Connor followed the lady into the car park and into a silver prius. The car ride was silent and once they arrived at the station, they got out of the car and walked inside.

 

“Hello officer.” Jillian said the the officer at the front desk.

 

“Hello. How can I help?”

 

“This is Connor Murphy.” She started, gesturing towards me. “He shared a room with Luke West. Why don’t you give him your phone?” She continued, facing me for her question.

 

“I got a voicemail from him. It was from just before he died but I only got it this morning.” I handed over my phone with the voicemail open. The officer said to wait while he downloaded the audio clip.

 

Around ten minutes later, Connor got his phone back and they were on the way back to the school.

 

“What did he say? In the call I mean.” Jillian questioned.

 

“Nothing much. He just kept talking.”

 

“Oh.” Was all she said in response, probably not knowing what else to say. The rest of the short ride what sat in awkward silence. Once they arrived, Connor thanked her and walked away from the car.

 

Once back in his room, he grabbed a smoke out of the packet in his pocket. Lighting it, he walked over to the window as to not smoke up the room. He stood there thinking about the voice mail and how it effects the case.

 

After Connor finished his smoke, he lay down on his bed and checked his phone. It was now around 1:30pm. _Where did the day go?_ Connor queried before getting interrupted by his phone ringing. He picked up the phone and held it to his ear, hearing a familiar female voice.

 

“Connor! How are you going? Have you made any friends yet?” The voice said, seemingly really excited.

 

“No, Mum. Actually, I did the opposite. My roommate killed himself the other day.” The phone was silent.

 

“Oh, umm. I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.” His mum said. She seemed unsure she was telling the truth.

 

“It wasn’t my fault!” Connor yelled, releasing his mum thought it could have been his fault.

 

“I know. I know. That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“So, how are classes?” Connor’s mum said, changing to topic.

 

“Alright.”

 

“Thats... good? I have to go Conny. Dinner's almost ready.”

 

“Don’t call me that!” Connor snapped back. He hated being called ‘Conny’. They used to call him that when he was younger but now he hated it.

 

“Sorry, Connor. Goodbye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

He hung up and fell down onto his back. After a minute, Connor decided to pick up _A Theory Of Justice_ again to fill in time. He missed lunch and so, had to wait till dinner to eat. He was a little hungry but it wasn’t too bad.

 

Before too long, he was mumbling to himself about some philosophical issue the novel brought up. Hearing a knock at the door, he groaned and sat up. Wiping his eyes and tucking his hair behind his ears, he walked over to the door and opened it. He was met with a shorter student, Evan, if he remembered the boy’s name correctly.

 

“H- hello Con- Connor. I’m your n- new roommate, E- Evan Hansen.” He heard the boy stumble over his words. _What?! Did he say roommate?!_


	4. New Acquaintances, No New Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, today was the last day of school. Now that I've got two weeks school holidays, I should be posting more regularly. I had six essays due yesterday so I didn't get much chance to write.
> 
> Anyway, here's a new chapter! Hope you enjoy. Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate them!
> 
> WARNING: Don't know if this can be triggering so I thought I would play it safe. Connor goes to the therapy meeting thing he signed up for.

“H- hello Con- Connor. I’m your n- new roommate, E- Evan Hansen.” The boy repeated. Connor was still in too much shock to process what was happening in front of him.

 

“What?!” Was Connor’s reply to the new information.  _ I don’t want a new roommate! Don’t I get a say? Why didn’t anyone tell me I was getting a new roommate? _ Connor looked directly at Evan, glaring, causing the boy to shy away.

 

“I- I’m your n- new room- roommate.” Before Connor could deny this being true, the woman next to him spoke up.

 

“Hello Connor. I’m Heidi Hansen, Evan’s mum.” She reached out her hand but by the time Connor realised she was offering to shake, she was already lowering her hand. “Anyway, Evan has been told this is his new dorm room. Would you be so kind as to step back from the door so I can help Evan get settled in before I have to leave for class.”

 

Once Connor heard and deciphered what she had said, he stepped back. One after the other, they entered and Heidi began to unzip Evan’s bag.  _ What’s he looking at?  _ Connor questioned in his head once he noticed Evan looking at him.

 

He decided to ignore the staring boy as he walked over to his bed, putting earphones in and playing music at the loudest setting. Connor always liked his music loud and that was something Evan would have to get used to.

 

Around an hour later, Evan’s mum was leaving. They exchanged ‘goodbyes’ and while this interaction happened, Connor thought of how no-one came to help him unpack and support him.

 

After his mum left, the small boy turned and spoke to Connor. He paused the music and glared at Evan.

 

“What do you want, Hansen?” Connor replied, his voice aggressive.

 

“Uhh, umm. I d- don’t know. Sorry.” The boy in front of Connor was a stuttering mess.

 

“Just cause your sharing this room, it doesn’t mean we have suddenly become best buds.” Was how Connor responded instead.

 

“Sorry.” Connor scoffed. “Can I i- invite a fr- friend r- round?”  _ Hansen has friends? I’ve never seen him with anyone before. What the fuck do I care?! _

 

“I don’t care. I didn’t even know you had friends. Who is it?”

 

“I guess he, he’s more of a f- family friend, Jared. I th- think you know him.” Evan sheepishly replied, he seemed hurt by Connor’s last remark however he opted not to apologise.

 

“Oh yes. Jared. The jerk I’m planning to murder.”  _ Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, oh well, too late now. Oh my god! Look at his face. He thinks I’m serious! I’m not that fucked up, jesus. I should tell him it was a joke, right? Before he gets me arrested for attempted murder. _

 

“That was a joke, Hansen. I’m not that fucked up. And even if I was, why would I tell you I’m a murderer?”

 

Evan seemed to think on his response a few seconds before simply nodding. From there, Connor watched Evan grab his phone and sit on the bed. A little while later, the silence, which was rather awkward in Connor’s opinion, was broken by a knock.

 

“Evan?” The voice from outside questioned as Evan got up and walked to the door.

 

“Hi Jared. How are you?”

 

“Alright. How are you going with freak?” Jared questioned Evan, but Connor knew the ‘freak’ part was targeted at him.

 

“Fuck you.” Connor shouted before Evan got to answer.

 

“No thanks. But seriously, how are you going?” Jared was good at nothing if not for agitating him. From that slight interaction, Connor’s blood boiled and he could easily start a fight with anyone willing.

 

“Umm, alright, thanks.”

 

Connor put his earphones back in to play music, which he had turned down so Jared couldn't pick on his music tastes.

 

A while later, likely around an hour, Jared stood and walked out of the door. Connor had assumed they said ‘goodbye’ but missed it since he couldn’t hear what they were saying.

 

“I’m gonna go shower.” Evan announced to Connor as he left the room. Connor proceeded to listen to his music, being one of his more legal coping methods. Since Evan had left, Connor opted to take one earpiece out so he could still hear anything happening outside. About thirty minutes later, there was a knock at the door and Connor started to get up before lying back down, noticing that the door was opening.

 

“You don’t have to knock. It’s your own room.” Connor spoke first, before silence could ensue.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You say that a lot.”

 

“Sorry.” This made Connor laugh a little before he stopped himself.  _ If I become friends with him, I’ll just hurt him. I hurt everyone I get close to. _

 

After a little silence, Connor spoke again.

 

“I’ve gotta go.” He swung his long legs off the bed and stood.

 

“Where?”

 

“None of your business, Hansen!” Connor responded aggressively. He didn’t really want anyone knowing he had to go to the stupid therapy thing.

 

“Sorry.” Evan replied. Connor watched as he pulled his legs into his chest, hugging them. Connor debated apologising but decided not to. He grabbed his bag and walked out the door.

 

The walk to the counselling room was short, it was across from the dorms, less that a ten minute walk from any dorm room. Once he got there, he checked his phone for the time. It revealed it was 5:27pm, so Connor walked into the building, questioning staff on where to go. He was instructed to take a seat in the room to the left, so Connor complied.

 

Upon walking into the room, he was greeted with a circle of seven chairs and four people, one of whom being the organiser. Once Connor picked the seat as far away from the staff member, he got out his phone and waited. Three other students arrived in the next minute, so another chair was added for the circle.

 

“Hello Everyone. Today’s session will just be about learning to trusting each other. If you become uncomfortable and/or want to leave at any point in time, just let me know and you may leave. We are going to go around the circle, saying our names, what year were in and of what course, and, if you feel comfortable sharing, why you're here. I’ll start. My name is Erica Samuels. I’m a youth worker who specialises in mental health and I’m here because I wish to help all of you. Would you like to go next?” Erica started, ending by questioning the girl to her left.

 

“Umm, okay. I- I’m Lilliana, you c- can call me Lilly th- though.” Lilly stated. Erica gave her a warm, comforting smile. “I’m in my first y- year of my creative arts course to b- become involved in the- theatre. I’m h- here be- because, umm, because I h- have anxiety.” By the end of her introduction, Lilly’s head was being hidden by her arms. Due to all her stuttering, it was semi-hard to understand everything she said.

 

“Thanks for sharing Lilly. Would you like to go next?”

 

“Sure. My name is Jacob and I’m training to become a lawyer. This is my second year here. I’d prefer not to say why I came here if that okay.”

 

“Of course. Lovely to meet you Jacob. Next?”

 

The circle continued to the next person, then the next and then it was Connor’s turn. Since Connor got there, his body language has told everyone to ignore him and that he was not one for small talk.

 

“I’m Connor. Planning on becoming a writer. Here cause my parents made me. Next.” Connor spoke coldly, no emotion behind what he was saying. Erica must have took the hint since she didn’t question him further.

 

Once the group got back around to Erica, she said they were going to play a game which would build trust. According to her, it’s difficult to open up if you don’t trust people. Connor did participate in these ‘games’ but refused to properly get involved, which was required to benefit from it. At the end of the session, Erica requested Connor to stay behind for a few minutes.

 

“Today’s session was only an introduction but I feel like you were never fully giving the games a try. What do you think?” Erica started.

 

“Like I said, I’m only here cause my parents made me.” Connor spat in return.

 

“Would you mind telling me why they ‘made you’?” She questioned, quoting Connor.

 

“They think I’m fucked up.” Was Connor's very simple and very vague response.

 

“I’m sure they don’t-”

 

“You don’t know them!” Connor shouted, cutting Erica off. Before she got a chance to continue, Connor had fled the room. On his walk back to his room, Connor’s blood boiled and it only got worse once he remembered Zoe. Zoe, the one who was responsible for him attending those horrible meetings. Zoe, the one who was responsible for him still breathing. If she didn’t walk into his room without knocking, she never would have seen what she wasn’t supposed to.

 

When Connor walked back to his room, he slammed the door in an attempt to expel some anger. Obviously, it didn’t work. Connor grabbed a smoke and lit it, not caring the window was closed. He lay on his bed puffing. The drugs now running through his system coolled his blood and soon, he was back to his slightly agitated self.

 

Once Connor realised it was 6:55, he went into the canteen to get dinner. After dinner, Connor went back to his dorm and took a shower. Once back in his dorm, he began to get changed into his pjs. While pulling his pants up, the door unlocked and opened. Connor quickly pulled his pants all the way up but he still had no shirt on. Out of habit, Connor hid his scarred arms but it didn’t matter because as soon as Evan saw Connor changing, he looked away.

 

Evan apologise while Connor put on a clean, long sleeve shirt.  _ He apologises so much. I’m glad he looked away before he noticed how pathetic I am but he didn’t really need to say sorry. It’s kinda cute how much he apologises. _ Connor thought to himself before scolding the thoughts.  _ No! Connor, stop! I can’t get close to him. I can’t get close to anyone. _

 

Connor was quite skilled at hiding his emotion and once he decided Evan hadn’t suspected anything, he walked to his bed and picked up  _ A Theory of Justice _ .

 

“What are you reading?” Evan questioned out of the blue. Connor sighed silently before replying.

 

“A Theory Of Justice. It’s a homework task.”

 

“Cool. What’s it about?”  _ Is he usually this inquisitive? _

 

“Justice, obviously.” Connor said, trying to sound annoyed so the boy would stop asking questions. Evan never responded.

 

About an hour or two later, Connor was still reading his book, though reaching the end rather quickly. Evan turned off his lamp and asked Connor to do the same. Connor understood that others had a better sleep cycle than he did so he turned of the light, grabbed his phone and left the room, book in hand.

 

Connor sat in the common room until around 1am, then decided he should probably sleep. Opening the dorm room quietly, he looked over to Evan who was already fast asleep. The sides of Connor’s mouth tugged into a small smile at the sleeping Evan until Connor scolded himself again. After making his way to bed, he plugged earphones in, played music and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ: I don't dislike therapy sessions. Personally, I see a phycologist and I definitely don't think it's stupid. They help people and there is nothing wrong with getting help. I just wrote that in because I feel Connor would think the sessions are 'stupid'.


	5. Dreams And Awkward Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of self-harm. Drugs. Do I even need a warning for drugs? I'll add it here now but not as a warning for the rest of the chapters.

“Hi Connor. I know you probably won’t care to listen to this but if you do, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for nagging you all the time.” Connor heard Luke’s voice in his head.

 

“No! You don’t need to apologise!” Connor shouted into his phone.

 

“I’m sorry, Connor. I just wanted you to know that you were the first person I considered a friend. Were we friends? I hope so.”

 

“We were friends! I mean, we are friends! Yes, we only met yesterday but if you go, we won’t ever get a proper chance to become friends! Please reconsider! Where are you?”

 

“I’m sorry, Connor. Goodbye.”

 

“No! Don’t you dare hang up on me! Where are you?!” Connor was freaking out. He had some unknown feeling that said ‘he dies unless you talk him out of it’. He wasn’t even sure if he was telling the truth; would they have become friends if he lived? He could guess the answer.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”

 

“I’m glad you did! Please don’t hang up!” Connor was crying into the phone at this point; desperate for Luke to change his mind.

 

All of a sudden, he was being pulled from the phone call, being pulled away from Luke.  “No! I have to save him!” Connor screamed, trying unsuccessfully to get back to Luke. He turned to look around after giving up fighting and he came face to face with Evan.  _ Where am I? It looks like... my room? But I was in the forest looking for Luke. How come I’m here now? _ Connor’s realisation hit him like a train; it was a dream.

 

“Huh?” Connor questioned, wiping his eyes of tears. No way was he going to cry in front of someone. He rubbed his eyes after wiping, hoping to make it look as he was removing sleep.

 

“Hi Connor. It’s wake up time.” Evan’s voice was gentle and sweet. So unlike anything Connor was used to.

 

“Ugh, tired. Sleep.” Connor spoke in one word sentences, too out of it to form real ones. Connor rolled over and closed his eyes but didn’t go to sleep. He thought.

 

He thought about Luke, what would have happened if he answered the call. That’s what he assumed his dream was. An alternate reality where Connor answered Luke’s call and attempted to talk him out of it, hopefully being successful.

 

He heard Evan say something but was too focussed on his dream to understand what was said. Connor heard the door open and close. Assuming that was Evan leaving, he rolled onto his back and sighed.  _ Why am I thinking about that? _ He thought to himself until he felt a tear roll down his cheek.  _ No way. I don’t cry. Not now, not ever. _ Connor quickly wiped the tear away and sat up.

 

He stood and checked his phone for notifications. Nothing. Getting ready took about three minutes since all he did was get dressed. Grabbing his book bag that had everything in it, he left, walking out the back door towards the forest near the campus. Walking through the forest was peaceful. No one ever went there unless they wanted to be alone. After around twenty minutes of walking, he came across a small river and a small waterfall created by surrounding rocks. It was very serene.

 

Connor sat on one of the rocks, took out a joint and lit it.  _ Why did I dream that? It’s not like I could have picked up the call. I would have picked up if it called. _ Connor thought of this for a short while before being pulled into reality by his buzzing phone. It was Zoe who texted him.

 

Zoe - 7:14am: Hey Connor. How are things?

 

Connor debated replying since he really didn’t want to have a conversation with his sister but he decided he probably should.

 

Connor - 7:15am: Hi. I’m alright. Why?

 

Zoe - 7:15am: I heard what happened with Luke. Just wanted to make sure you're ok.

 

Connor - 7:16am: I’m fine. I’ve gotta go. Class.

 

Zoe - 7:17am: Oh, ok. Talk soon?

 

Connor - 7:19am: I’d prefer not. Bye!

 

Zoe - 7:20am: Ok, bye.

 

Connor went back to his thoughts and sat on that rock until around 10:45am, deciding he should at least go to some of his classes. The next class was a creative writing subject which he looked forward to. He short story wasn’t due till the next lesson but Connor had already finished it.

 

Once in class, Juliet, the teacher, told everyone the lesson was going to be used to write the stories. She sat at her desk up front ready to answer any questions asked. Connor, since he finished the story, decided to read over it to fix any mistakes he found.

 

Before long, class was over and Connor made his way to a cafe. Choosing a hamburger and milkshake, he sat in the back of the shop, ate and finished  _ A Theory Of Justice _ .

 

~~~~

 

Connor was sitting on his bed after returning  _ Be More Chill _ and picking up  _ The Drowning Of Arthur Braxton _ . It was around 1pm when his reading was interrupted.

 

Evan swung the door open and closed it behind him, locking it as quickly as possible. Connor watched on with confusion. Evan looked scared and puffed.

 

“Evan! Please!” Connor heard through the door, instantly identifying the voice as Jared.

 

“No! Leave me alone!” Evan yelled back.  _ Wow, what the fuck happened to make Evan yell at Jared? Those two are usually inseparable. Wait. Is he crying? Should I say something? No, I’ll wait and see what happens _ .

 

“Evan. Please! You can’t avoid me for forever.”

 

Evan never replied to this, and soon after, Jared gave up and left.

 

“What was that about?” Connor found himself saying before he could stop himself. He was curious but it’s probably not his place to ask.

 

“Jared wants me to talk about something but he’ll hate me if I do.” Evan explained, vaguely.  _ That doesn’t really help Hansen. Oh well, he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t get too close to him and secrets are definitely a ‘close’ thing _ .

 

“Oh,”

 

“It’s fine. We don’t argue loads but when we do, we always make up.”

 

“Oh,” Connor remembered the book he was holding and so, he decided to continue reading rather than continue the awkward conversation.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Stop saying that!” Connor snapped.

 

“So-”

 

“Stop!”

 

“O- okay.” Evan said ‘sorry’ so much and it was starting to get on Connor’s nerves.  _ Why does he say that so much? He didn’t even have anything to apologise for! _

 

~~~~

 

Soon after their conversation, Evan left to go to a class and Connor decided to go back to the river in the forest. It was quickly becoming ‘his spot’ and Connor liked the idea of that. A spot that’s his and no-one else’s.The forest was dark, with stacks of trees. It was near the hottest part of the day, and despite the trees blocking the sun, they didn’t block the heat.

 

Connor sat on the same rock from earlier that day. It was hot. Far to hot. Connor had his regular black jumper on and he could take it off but he never liked to. Regardless of how hot it got, he prefered sweating to looking at his scarred body. His arms had scars all over them, some old, some new. Connor believed the scars showed how weak and ugly and worthless he was.

 

Connor sat on the rock, opting not to get high. He just wanted to think without the effects of drugs.

 

~~~~

 

Back at the dorm, Connor was lying on his bed, typing up a story on his laptop. This one wasn’t for school, this was for him. His way of venting.

 

“Hi.” Evan said, beginning to tidy his stuff.

 

“Hey, Hansen.”

 

“What you doing?”

 

_ He doesn’t have to know what I’m doing. I don’t care if he knows I write, but he might as to read and this story is a mess of my opinions on the world. It’s not something that will ever see the light of day, ever! _ “Stuff.” Connor answered, rather bitterly.

 

“O- okay. Sorry.”

 

“Why do you say that so much?” Connor questioned. He was actually confused why he said it so much and he wanted answers. Connor barely ever said ‘sorry’ even when he probably should have.

 

“Uhh, sorry.” Evan blushed after saying it again. “It’s kinda a habit I guess. I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop.”

 

Connor laughed at this. Evan’s ‘trying to stop’ seemed to be failing. “I think you're unsuccessful.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Connor laughed again. He wasn’t sure if it seemed rude but he couldn’t help himself. After he stopped laughing, he noticed the unpleasant atmosphere and so, went back to writing.

 

Evan left the room, probably trying to get away from the environment. Around an hour later, Evan returned. In silence, Evan moved to his bed and went on his phone.

 

“Hey, Connor?” Evan questioned after a short while.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I was w- wondering, I got in- invited and s- she s- said I could bring s- someone along i- if I w- wanted,”  _ Why’s he stuttering so much? Is he that scared of me? I don’t want him scared of me. I mean, we can’t be close but he doesn’t have to be scared. If we get too close, he’ll get hurt. I don’t want him getting hurt. _

 

“Yeah?”

 

“On s- Saturday, did y- you want to p- play l- laser t- tag?”

 

“Your inviting me?”  _ Why is he asking me if he’s scared? Do I even want to go? I don’t want to be rude to him, but I can’t be his friend or anything. He can’t get hurt. Why do I care so much if he gets hurt? _ Connor pushed that last thought to the back of his mind.

 

“O- only if y- you w- want t- to. Y- you d- don’t have t- to if you d- don’t w- want t- to.” 

 

“Uhh, sure?”

 

“Cool. I’ll see you then, I guess. Well, I’ll see you before then. I’m gonna go now. Bye.” He spoke quickly but Connor could still understand what was said. Evan moved hastily out the door before the following conversation could ensue.

 

“Bye-” Was all Connor said before the door was closed and he was once again alone. Connor thought about Saturday and wondered who else was going with them. He’d have to ask Evan later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any ideas as far as plot goes, let me know in the comments and I'll probably add them if they work with the direction the story is taking.


	6. First Aid Is Handy To Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the story's tags cause I update them based on what happens in chapters.

In all honesty, Connor was getting excited for laser tag. It was Thursday, the day after he was invited, and he was looking forward to it. He was still unsure why Evan invited him since they weren’t really friends but he was excited to find out.

 

When Connor woke up, Evan was already gone and his phone told him it was 9:17am. He assumed Evan had went to a class and Connor, quite happily, remembered he had no classes on Thursdays. He grabbed his laptop of the table next to him and continued his story. Connor hadn’t questioned why he was so keen to write lately, he just believed it was from all the changes.

 

Around twenty minutes later, Connor decided to go eat breakfast. He chose a bowl of cornflakes. Breakfast was quiet since he didn’t really have any friends. He thought about Evan and if they were possibly becoming friends but shut it down and made himself thing laser tag was him just being polite.  _ No one would want to be friends with me! I’m Connor Murphy, the fucked up kid who through a printer at a teacher when I was eight! As if anyone would even want to talk to me. _

 

Entering his room, Connor noticed Evan on his bed crying in a ball.  _ He looks so, so, sad. Should I ask if he’s ok? He’s obviously not ok but should I ask what’s wrong? No, I shouldn’t. He probably wouldn’t want to tell me anyway. I’ll get Jared. That’s what I’ll do. He’s friends with Jared. _ Connor left the room after grabbing a few things and went to the front desk and asked which room Jared was in.

 

“Connor?” Jared questioned, opening his door.

 

“Yeah. Uhh, Hansens in our room,” Connor paused.

 

“And?”

 

“He’s crying. I figured I should tell you so you can comfort him. I didn’t lock the door on my way out.”

 

“Oh, thanks for telling me. I’ll go check on him now.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Connor watched Jared disappear down the hallway and he headed for the common room. After about half an hour, Connor decided to go back to the room and was surprised to find it empty. Connor knew all too well what if felt like to want to cry all day and so, it was surprising to know Evan got up and did stuff despite crying his eyes out.  _ That just goes to show how weak I am. Someone like Evan can get up and do things with his life despite feeling that that and all I do is li in bed. _

 

He thought back to the conversation they’d had the previous evening. Connor asked Evan who was attending taser tag and got an answer. They talked a little more about random things and then went to sleep. It was a simple, light hearted conversation and it was almost as if they were friends.

 

Since Evan wasn’t there, Connor decided to sit and write a bit more. About ten minutes later, Evan walked through the door.

 

“Hi, Connor.” Evan said as he hung his towel on his chair.

 

“Hey. You feeling better?” Connor questioned. He hadn’t looked up from his laptop but he was listening.

 

“A bit. Thanks.”

 

“You don’t have to say if you don’t want to but what the fuck happened?” Connor really wanted to know what happened to make Evan cry like that but he didn’t want to push it. He, for some reason he couldn’t work out, really hated seeing Evan cry. Evan looked reasonably happy most the time and crying didn’t suit him.  _ Does crying suit anyone? Either way, Evan is too cute to cry. Wait, what?! Cute?! Did I really just think Evan was cute?! _ Connor pulled himself from his thoughts to listen to Evan’s reply.

 

“Bullies.” Was Evan’s short reply. This made Connor look up; he hadn’t expected a proper answer. He wasn’t sure what he expected but it wasn’t that. Upon looking up, he saw a large cut across the left of Evan’s forehead surrounded by a massive bruise trailing all the way to his ear.

 

“Wait. You mean to tell me that students did  _ that _ ?” Connor asked quizzically, gesturing to Evan’s wound.

 

“Did what?” Evan turned, looked in the mirror and gasped. “Oh my god! I hadn’t even noticed.”

 

“Do you want me to help? I have a first aid kit.” For some reason, first aid was one of the things Connor knew how to perform and he had a first aid kit with him at all times in case his cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. Connor grabbed the kit from his drawer and turned to sit face to face with Evan, who was now seated at the end of his bed.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Connor unzipped the bag and looked for the required equipment. He pulled out antiseptic, a bandaid large enough to cover the cut and some cotton swabs. Connor told Evan to lie down so Evan complied, lying his head in Connor’s lap. Connor saw Evan blush out of the corner of his eye but chose not to acknowledge it. After preparing the cotton swabs, he started to disinfect the wound.

 

“So what happened, Hansen?” Connor questioned. Evan flinched away from the antiseptic which probably stung. “Stay still.” He ordered and Evan obeyed.

 

“I got beat up. What does it look like?” Evan replied.

 

Connor giggled a little. He didn’t think Evan was capable of back-chat but here, he was proved wrong. Connor liked this side of Evan, the side which wasn’t afraid of him. Connor put the band aid on before declaring he was finished. Evan thanked him as he sat up and Connor said ‘no problem’ as he left. He was well aware of the blush on his face and was sure Evan noticed it too.

 

~~~~

 

Connor sat in his car on the highway, music blasting. Connor had decided to go visit his family since they said they wanted to make sure he was fine after what happened with Luke. He drove for two and a half hours before pulling up into the driveway.

 

His house was big. Bigger than a lot of the houses on the block. They didn’t live in a poor part of the city but it definitely wasn’t the rich part either. Most of the houses on the street were small two story homes. Connor’s house was like a mansion in comparison.

 

Connor unlocked the door and walked inside. He was instantly engulfed in a hug from Zoe.

 

“Connor! I know you've only been gone a few days but I missed you.” Connor pulled himself from the hug and replied.

 

“Hi Zo. I just needed to get out of there. And Mum said she wanted me to visit so here I am.”

 

“I’m glad. Dad’s out but Mum’s here. Come.” Zoe said as she turned and walked to the kitchen.

 

Connor’s mum was cutting up some fruit for lunch when Connor walked in.

 

“Connor! To what do we owe the pleasure?”

 

“You said you wanted me to visit, remember? I can go, I don’t care.”

 

“No, no. It’s nice to have you visit. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

 

“I wanted to grab some stuff from my room anyway so it worked out.” Connor mumbled.

 

“You staying the night?” Zoe interrupted.

 

“I don’t think so. I got a class at six tomorrow morning. Friday mornings are going to be loads of fun.” Connor replied, clearly sarcastic towards the end.

 

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ve got a bit of homework to do but we can have a family lunch when Dad gets back.”

 

“Okay.” Connor said, leaving to go to his room.

 

~~~~

 

The lunch was tense to say the least. His mum was happy for Connor to be back, Zoe was terrified of him hurting himself again, or worse, and his dad was still in denial about what happened.

 

The car trip back was longer due to traffic. He got back to his dorm at around 4pm. Connor lay down on his bed and self-loathed about having no-one to hang out with at college. Everyone already knew him as ‘the kid who drove his roommate to kill himself within one day’. The entire school was avoiding him like the plague as if talking to him would make them to want to die. It was probably partly due to his high school life as well but there was only about eighty students from his high school at that college.

 

~~~~

 

Connor chose to take his laptop to the river in the forest. He wrote there. That’s all. He didn’t get high, he didn’t like writing while high. Connor eventually decided to leave the river when his laptop ran out of battery at around 11:30pm.

 

~~~~

 

Back in the dorm room, Evan was sleeping. Connor quietly tip-toed into the room, silently admiring how cute Evan was when he was sleeping. Connor did this for a split second before realising and shaking it from his head. He couldn’t like Evan. That would ruin everything. His family already thinks he’s fucked up and if he was gay, it would be heaps worse. His parents liked to think they’re open to these things but Connor knew they would hate him if he was gay. Not to mention hurting Evan was the last thing he wanted to do and getting close to people, from experience, resulted in the other getting hurt, physically and-or emotionally.

 

Connor thought for a few silent minutes before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry some chapters (including this one) aren't as interesting as others. The next one should be good; I haven't written it yet but the laser tag will be in it.
> 
> I'll try and add more fluff but i'm also trying to keep a semi-interesting and realistic storyline (people don't just fall in love within a few days).


	7. Laser Tag And New People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self-Harm

Connor woke up early on Friday morning. At around ten to six, he was in the shower getting ready for the day. Early mornings never worked well with Connor but he figured he should attend classes; his parents are paying money for him to be there after all.

 

Communications is one of the less interesting classes Connor has to part-take in. Walking into the room, Connor chose to sit at the back where he could zone out. When the class started, however, he realised he missed the introductory lesson. Connor spent the rest of the lesson trying to catch up on what was missed. This was semi-successful but Connor opted to ask another student, who hopefully wasn’t scared of him, for clarification.

 

“Excuse me?” Connor interrupted the boys packing. He had his head shaved except the top, which was tied back into a ponytail of blond hair. The student tuned to look at Connor, and replied.

 

“Yes? Can I help you?”

 

“I, uhh, I missed the introductory lesson. I was wondering if you could let me know what I missed?”

 

“Sure. You got a class next cause I’m meeting a-” The boy paused for a second before continuing his sentence. “A friend for a study session. You could join?”

 

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

“I’m Garrett, by the way.”

 

“Oh, right. I’m Connor. Nice to meet you.” Connor was trying to be nice, which was a weird feeling since he was so used to being hostile.

 

“I know.”

 

“Oh,”  _ Of course he know’s who I am. Probably heard the rumors. _ “You do?” Connor asked tentatively.

 

“Yep. But don’t worry. I don’t believe rumors without evidence. Besides, you don’t seem that mean.”

 

It was a short walk to where the study session was happening. It was out in the courtyard, under a tree with a picnic table.

 

There was already a boy sitting there. He had light to medium brown hair which was kinda messy but not without style. When the boy looked up, he waved over to us, smiling.

 

“Hey Dario. This is Connor. Connor, Dario.” Garrett introduced us.

 

“Hi.” Connor said, sitting down at the table. Garrett walked to the other side of the table and sat with Dario. The brown haired boy nodded in response to Connor and then looked to Garrett.

 

“He missed the introductory lesson.” Garrett explained.

 

“I know, real smart of me.” He added, laughing a little. Garrett joined in the short laugh but Dario remained silent.

 

They sat their for about an hour, Dario sketching something and Garrett explaining to Connor what he missed. Connor was sure they were trying to hide it but he noticed they were holding hands under the table. Connor didn’t really care, he wasn’t a homophobe or anything but he guessed others thought he was.

 

“So,” Connor started. Garrett looked to Connor. “Are you two dating or something?” Connor questioned.

 

“Uhh,” Was all Garrett responded with, looking to Dario for some kind of answer. Dario nodded which probably meant ‘you can tell him’.

 

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. How’d you know?” Garrett replied. Dario looked a little flustered, maybe even scared of Connor now.

 

“Chill. I’m not a homophobe despite what some people think. And I knew cause you weren't exactly subtle about holding hands.” Connor laughed at the end, trying to dissolve the tense atmosphere that had built.

 

“Oh,” Garrett replied, then joined Connor in laughing. Dario was really quiet, which didn’t go unnoticed by Connor. He figured the boy was probably just really shy.

 

After another ten minutes, the Garrett announced they had to go to another class. He said ‘good-bye’ and Connor was left alone. As he was about to go back to his dorm room, he noticed a piece of paper on the table. It was a drawing; it must have been the drawing Dario was working on. It was of the courtyard they were in.

 

Connor figured he should keep the drawing and give it back to Dario whenever he saw the boy (or his boyfriend) next. Connor checked his phone which revealed it was 9:48am. The walk back to the dorms took about ten minutes and once back, Evan was in the room.

 

“Hey, Hansen.” Connor said, closing the door behind him.

 

“You can call me Evan, you know?”

 

“I know. How are you feeling today?”

 

“A little better, thanks. I’m still covered in bruises so I’m a bit sore but I’m not too bad. What have you been doing this morning?” Evan answered.  _ That’s good. At least he’s feeling better today. Yesterday he was an emotional and physical mess. _

 

“That’s good, I guess. I had a class and then studied with some others. I missed the introductory lesson so I was getting help catching up.” Connor explained. He took out the drawing in his bag and put it on the desk in hopes of it not getting crumpled.

 

“Cool. What’s that?” Evan questioned, pointing to the drawing on the desk. “I didn’t know you drew. It’s really cool. You’re talented.”

 

“Oh, it’s not mine. One of the people I was studying with left it behind so I thought I’d keep it safe. Anyway, what you working on?” Connor replied. Evan was sitting with his laptop on his lap and Connor wanted to continue the conversation so he took the opportunity. He wasn’t sure why but he really enjoyed talking with Evan, whether it was about school or something more interesting.

 

“Just some school work. Can I ask you something about tomorrow?”

 

“About laser tag?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“So, I made a deal with Jared, and, and IwaswonderingifyoucouldmakesureIwin?” Evan rushed the actual request so Connor still had no idea what he wanted.

 

“Hansen, you're going to have to speak slower if you want me to understand.”

 

“Oh, right, sorry.” Connor let out a silent laugh, remembering Evan had said he was going to try and say ‘sorry’ less. “What?” Evan questioned.

 

“Nothing. What about the deal with Jared?”

 

“Oh, right. Uhh, well, can you target him in the game tomorrow?”  _ He wants me to target Jared? Why? Aren’t they friends? Should I ask why? I’m gonna ask why. _

 

“Why?”

 

“The deal was that if I win, he has to stop nagging me to talk about that thing I don’t want to talk about. But if he wins, I have to tell him. He will probably target me to make me lose points and him gain them.” Evan explained. 

 

They weren’t playing normal taser tag. The way it worked was if you hit someone, they are out of action for one minute (meaning they can’t shoot but their lights go out so they're less likely to get hit). If you get hit, a point is transferred from the target to the shooter. The player with the most points at the end, wins.

 

“Uhh, sure? I guess. But whatever it is Jared want you to talk about, it must be important if he’s betting to get you to talk.”

 

“I guess. But I really don’t want to. He’ll hate me if I tell him.” At that reply, Connor thought about asking Evan to tell him. The issue seemed to be with telling Jared in particular but he decided Evan probably didn’t trust Connor enough for that.

 

“Fair enough. I’ll try my best.” Connor agreed.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“No problem, Hansen.”

 

Evan left the room soon after their conversation. Connor just sat on his bed, mindlessly browsing the internet on his phone until lunch time. Connor’s afternoon was filled mostly with classes and more mindless browsing.

 

Connor got into bed, questioning how the afternoon went so quickly. Closing his eyes, he dreamed about the following day.

 

~~~~

 

“Hello. How many are playing?” The man at the counter asked as they walked into the laser tag building.

 

“Six.” Jared answered.

 

“Sixty dollars, please.” The man replied. Jared handed over the money (six ten dollar notes) and they were taken back.

 

“Would you like to play teams or individuals?” A lady questioned once we were in the outfit chamber thing.

 

“I think we decided individuals?” Amelia replied, half requesting confirmation. Everyone nodded and the lady turned to set up the room.

 

“Okay. The arena is set. There are a few rules though. Firstly, no physical contact. The laser guns do the battling, not you. No teams, you requested individuals and teaming makes it less fun. Also, please don’t climb on the objects and use common sense while playing. Lastly, have fun. So, the outfits,” The lady started, then went on to explain the outfits.

 

After being suited up, the six students entered the arena. The intercom turned on, counting down the game start.

 

“The game will begin in twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen.”  _ Okay. Target Jared. Target Jared. I don’t care much about the rest of them anyway. _ Connor thought to himself.

 

“Eight. Seven. Six. Five.”  _ Okay. Let's do this! _

 

“Four. Three. Two. One. Begin!” Connor was hidden is a fairly good hiding spot with a perfect view of another player; Jake from what he could see. Connor fired and hit. Connor’s starter ten points changed to an eleven.

 

~~~~

 

The rest of the twenty minute game played out as regular. Leaving the arena, scores showed up on the screen.

 

Amelia: 9

Chris: 12

Connor: 15

Evan: 7

Jake: 10

Jared: 7

 

“Good game!” Amelia said after looking at the scores.

 

Everyone else said ‘yeah’ or nodded in agreement. Connor was thinking about the deal Evan and Jared had.  _ They got the same score, so what happens? _

 

~~~~

 

Back in the dorms, everyone separated into pairs; Jared and Chris, Jake and Amelia and Connor and Evan.

 

Walking into their shared room, Connor questioned Evan. “So, what happens with the deal?”

 

“Jared says we should rematch. Go into a battle with strangers. I think he knows you were targeting him.” Evan explained.

 

“And what do you think?”

 

“I agreed. I mean, what else can I do. If I say no, I forfeit so he wins.”

 

“Makes sense. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.” Connor actually felt bad that he couldn’t help Evan get out of talking. Although maybe it's a good thing, Evan will loose without someone targeting Jared. Connor didn’t know what was happening but it was probably important considering the effort Jared is putting into finding out.

 

“It’s alright. You did your best. I just know I’m gonna lose without your help.”  _ True. You will probably lose against Jared. _

 

Connor chose to neither agree nor disagree with Evan. He just hummed and busied himself with tidying his stuff. He had noticed over the week that Evan was quite organised and decided he should probably try to keep some kind of order.

 

~~~~

 

It was around 3:30pm and Connor decided to go some shops nearby; there were a few things he wanted to get.

 

The store he went to was the pharmacist. He grabbed a few packets of band aids and some pain killers. He also bought a new, temporary blade.

 

He was back to the dorms by twenty past four. Connor chose to write even more of his story, which was becoming a reasonable length. The rest of the evening passed with ease. It was around 10pm when Connor decided to sleep.

 

It wasn’t often when it happened, but it was horrible when it did. Connor awoke in a cold sweat. He checked his phone which revealed it was 1:32am. He could feel the tears drying on his cheeks, and he instantly knew what he needed to clear his head.

 

He stood, grabbed his phone, a packet of tissues and the blade he brought, and went to the bathrooms. They were completely empty at this hour. Connor walked past all the cubicles and locked himself in the disabled one at the end.

 

He walked the the back wall and slide down to the ground. He was still crying, thinking about the dream he had. He refused to call it a nightmare, despite that being what it was. He felt ‘nightmare’ made it sound like he was a little kid.

 

Connor grabbed the blade, and started to add marks them to the plethora of scars on his arms. One, two, three. The cuts bleed and hurt. The pain was indescribable but it did the job. Connor sobbed, trying desperately to drain the dream from his mind. Four, five, six. He continued this, adding scars to both arms. The pain in both his arms started to dull, and Connor was feeling somewhat better.

 

When Connor’s dream was out of his mind, he began to clean the cuts. Washing them under the tap, chucking the tissues in the bin, adding band aid after band aid, he slowly made his way back to the room. He was a bit light headed from the pain and blood loss but it wasn’t serious. He was used to the feeling. He fell asleep as soon as his head it the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The names and appearances of Dario and Garrett aren't mine. They are OCs of another person. Their personalities and everything else are my creation but not their appearances and names.
> 
> Link to OC creators Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkRu16aZb_t7hjIxL5eXmFQ
> 
> Check him out. He's pretty cool.
> 
> Again, I did note create the names or the appearances of Dario and Garret. I did everything else though. They're personalities and everything else is my creation.


	8. Punch Up For Answers? Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self-Harm (Kinda, Almost)

Connor had definitely slept in. This was not unusual for days after he self harmed. Even if he did wake up, he often was to exhausted to get out of bed. Usually, someone woke him up before twelve, but since Luke was gone and Evan was scared of him, he was left at peace this time.

 

When Connor woke up, the day was half gone. It was around 2pm and he had no interest in doing anything. He sat up, checked his phone and grabbed stuff to have a shower. Closing the door, he got undressed and jumped in the shower.

 

The water was cold, not yet warmed up. Connor didn’t care though. He stood, under the cold spray, thinking about his horrid life. Once the water warmed, he began washing his body. Starting with his arms. The scars on his arms were beginning to scab, surrounded by red, puffy skin. He rubbed them lightly, careful not to re-break the skin. Washing his hair, Connor’s thoughts began to wander. He thought about his unpleasant past, his current isolated life, and his undesirable future. He also thought a little about how no one here could or would stop him from self-destruction. 

 

Out of the shower, Connor dried off. Walking back to his room, his mind was filled with thoughts. He barely even noticed when Jared bumped into him while walking past. Connor unlocked the door and his mind was instantly removed from all his thoughts. What he was seeing was nothing he ever expected. Evan was there, sitting on the bed, with a blade. His cheeks were stained with tears, his sobbing the only thing audible to Connor.

 

Connor watched from the doorway as the blade grew closer and closer to his arm. Connor’s first thought was to leave and let him self destruct all he wanted, but on second thought, Connor realised that he should help Evan. If he can’t save himself, maybe he could at least save Evan.

 

Connor walked quickly over to Evan, grabbing his wrist, the blade millimeters away from contact.

 

“Stop.” Connor said. He wasn’t being aggressive, just forceful enough to get the message across. “It won’t help.” Connor continued. He knew from experience that it sometimes helped, but he couldn’t tell Evan that. Connor wanted him to not harm himself, even if it sometimes helped.

 

“I-” Evan began before giving up. Tears, once again, streamed his face. He looked so so weak, as if the slightest thing would break him. Connor sat next to Evan and pulled him in for a hug. He wasn’t sure why, it’s not like they were friends, but he was in autopilot. Thinking only of how to save Evan. Evan sat there, not returning the hug but not trying to end it. Connor’s arms twisted around Evan, pulling him closer, and rubbed his back.

 

Evan had one hand holding tightly onto Connor’s shirt, the other holding the blade. Connor took this opportunity to get the blade away from him, putting it on the table near them.

 

Evan’s crying continued with Connor comforting him. Once Evan’s tears changed to sniffles, Connor began to speak.

 

“What caused that?” Connor questioned. His voice sounded a lot more calm than he felt. His mind was turning, full of thoughts, all concerning one distressed room mate. When Connor tried to pull away so Evan could speak, he cuddled into Connor more. He took this as a ‘I’m not ready to talk about it yet’ and so, they sat in silence for a few more minutes until Evan pulled away, apologising.

 

“Hey, it’s alright. No need to apologise.” Connor’s voice was quite. He wasn’t sure if he was quiet to not scare Evan, or quiet from his own fear.

 

“Sorry.” Connor giggled a little at that. He wasn’t laughing at Evan, just his constant need to apologise. He noticed a small smile of Evan’s face.  _ He’s cute when he smiles. _ Connor thought before shutting the idea down. That couldn’t happen.

 

“Just, believe me. It doesn’t help. And it’s difficult to stop.” Connor continued. Evan looked up at him, seemingly confused. Connor knew what this meant. He’d have to show his scars, otherwise Evan would never believe him. Connor sighed, getting ready to show one of his more private secrets.

 

He pulled up his sleeves, and watched tentatively as Evan grabbed his wrists and his eyes welled up with tears again. A short while later, Connor pulled back and covered the scars.

 

“Why?” Evan quietly spoke. His voice barely a whisper. Connor couldn’t be sure it was because he was sad or scared or because his voice was dead from all the crying.

 

“I don’t want to. Like I said, it’s difficult to stop once you start. So, please, don’t start?”

 

Connor watched Evan shake his head, believing that to be an agreement not to start. Evan pulled Connor in for another hug, being pushed onto his back. Evan was half laying on him in this position, his head resting on Connor’s chest. Connor was unsure how to react, and opted to play with Evan’s hair. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt right.

 

The position was compromised when an angry knock sounded through the room. Connor sat up, watching Evan blush a little and wipe his cheeks and eyes. Connor stood and opened the door, being confronted but two angry looking students who he  didn’t know. When he looked back at Evan, the light colour previously on his face was nowhere to be seen and Evan looked terrified.

 

“Hello?” Connor questioned.

 

“Hi. Can you send Evan out? We need to talk to him.” One of the boys asked. He seemed nice enough. When he saw Evan again, however, he decided he was in no state for guests.

 

“Not right now.” Connor spoke calm but with power.

 

“Yes, Now! Send him out or we’re coming in!” The other spoke, raising his voice.

 

“You’re not seeing him.” Connor persisted. The two responded by pushing Connor back into the room. One boy focused on him while the other moved to Evan.

 

“Evan, follow us. We need to have a little chat.” Connor could hear the boy’s smirk in his words and that was it. That was when he snapped. He punched the boy focussed on him in the stomach before dragging him out of the room. The other joined in, helping the first.

 

The punch up lasted less than a minute as students dragged them off each other. After being released, the two boys walked off and Connor walked back into his room. He would probably have a few bruises but he didn’t care. Other than that, he had a nose bleed.

 

“Connor, I- I’m so so sorry. Y- you didn’t h- have to d- do that.” Evan spoke.  _ Of course I didn’t, but I did. “I wanted to protect you.” _ Connor wanted to say but refrained.

 

“It’s fine, Hansen. No biggie.” Connor pinched his nose, trying to spot the blood.

 

“You're bleeding. Let me help.” Evan stood and began walking towards Connor until he glared at Evan.

 

“I’m fine. I don’t need your help.” He snarled. Since his fingers weren't stopping the blood, he grabbed some tissues.

 

“Thankyou.” Evan spoke after a few moments of silence. His voice was still quiet and sweet.

 

“No problem. You were in no state to deal with those dickheads. Who even were they?” Connor questioned.

 

“Chris and Jake. Jared’s friends.” He explained. Connor watched as the boy studied his own hands which were playing with the hem of his shirt.

 

“And do you know what they wanted?” Connor asked, wanting more answers.

 

The shy boy in front of him didn’t speak a reply, but slowly nodded his head instead. They sat in silence for a few seconds before there was another knock at the door. Connor watched as Evan visibly stiffened, eyes, once again, filled with fear.

 

“Who- who is it?” Evan asked. This surprised Connor, considering how scared he looked and the fact that he was too scared to speak with Chris and Jake around earlier.

 

“Jared. Can I come in?” Evan’s head picked up at this, half smiling. He stood quickly and opened the door. Connor watched as arms flew around Evan, engulfing him in a hug.

 

“Oh! You're okay. I heard Connor started a punch up and I thought you were hurt.”

 

“No. I’m fine.” Jared pulled back from the hug and turned to Connor.

 

“What the hell, dude?! I don’t know who you hit but you lay a hand of Evan and I’ll-” Jared was furious, that much was clear. Evan watched on with fear and Connor was completely unfazed by being yelled at.

 

Yelling was nothing new to Connor. Despite it being a new person, Connor had heard every insult in the book from either his father or Zoe. Shouting no longer fazed him; which he saw as both a positive and a negative.

 

Connor watched as Evan moved partly in front of Jared, trying to calm the angered boy. “Jared! No! He wasn’t going to.”

 

Jared stopped shouting, turning to Evan to get a better explanation. “He was protecting me. He helped.” Was how Evan explained the situation. It was true enough but still gave more questions than it answered.

 

“He- what?” Jared was entertaining to Connor. His inability to believe Connor would help hurt, but it was also kinda funny.

 

“He was protecting me. Chris and Jake came over.” Evan continued.

 

“Oh. Well, thanks, I guess. That was cool of you.”  _ Is that all you have to say? You literally shouted at me. It looked like you could have killed me. _

 

“An apology would be nice.” Connor mumbled, not expecting anyone to hear.

 

“Sorry. So, you're okay?” Jared questioned Evan.

 

“I’m okay. For now.”

 

“I’m still a little confused as to what’s happening. Can you go from the start?”  _ Wait, what’s going on? Am I supposed to hear this? Should I leave? Will they leave if they don’t want me to hear? This seems kinda serious. I’m curious, but I don’t want to make Hansen uncomfortable. _

 

“It’s probably best Connor knows what’s going on too, since you share a room and all.”  _ Oh, well that solves that issue. _

 

“What’s going on?” Connor inquired.

 

He heard Evan sigh, walking over to sit on his bed. Jared followed and sat next to Evan, facing him. Connor stayed on his own bed, sitting with his legs crossed.

 

“It started when we went out for dinner with them. When you went to order, they asked me things like if we were dating. When I said no, they said things like ‘of course not’ and ‘why would he ever want to date you’.”  _ When did this happen? These guys seem like assholes. Who could be mean to sweet, innocent, lovea- Nope! Not thinking that. Evan is in no way loveable. He’s just a nice person! _

 

_ “ _ When you returned they stopped. Apparently they told you we got along well, which was a complete lie. Lunch the next day was alright, I didn’t leave your side so they didn’t try anything. But you picked up on my nervousness so tried to get me to speak. You both know what happened from there.”  _ Yep. You had a massive panic attack that Jared left you to deal with on your own. _

 

“Amelia apologised for their behaviour and said she talked to Jake but he played dumb. She invited me for laser tag saying she understood if I didn’t want to. I didn’t particularly want to, but they I asked Connor and so, I had to go.”  _ Wait, you asked me without even wanting to go yourself? You’re so... silly? Awkward? _ Connor wasn’t sure which word fit. There was a word for it, but Connor couldn’t pinpoint it. He also wasn’t sure who Amelia was but he decided not to interrupt.

 

“From there, a couple days ago, they showed up while I was walking back here after a lesson. They basically just beat me up. Covered me in bruises and that’s how I got this.” He pointed to his head, where the healing cut and fading bruises sat.

 

“They said if I told anyone it would be worse next time. Nothing happened again until this morning. I was walking back from a class again and they pulled me into one of the smaller storage rooms. They just called me names and gave me an ultimatum, which I agreed to. Chris punched me in the face but that was all. You know everything else.”  _ No wonder you were terrified of those dickheads! They almost killed you! _

 

“What was the ultimatum?” Jared questioned.

 

“I, uhh, I had to do all this, plus whatever else they get.” Evan said, giving papers to Jared that was in a draw. Connor got off the bed and stood next to Jared, looking at the papers.

 

“Is this- Are these their study tasks?” Connor stuttered. He never stuttered. Was he just in shock? Was he angry? Of course he was angry, but not at anyone in the room.

 

He watched Evan nod as he wiped another tear away. He had begun crying while recounting the events of the past week.

 

“And what happens if you don’t do it?” Connor questioned.

 

“In their words, they would make my life a living hell.”  _ Who are these guys? What makes them think this is how the real world works? High school may work this way but the workload of one course if enough in college, let alone three. Next time I see either of those bastards, they’re gonna get a taste of their own fucking medicine! _

 

“Well,” Jared started, putting the pages next to him. “There’s no way we're letting that happen. We can talk to staff. Get them expelled or something.” Connor agreed with this, obviously. There was no way in hell they were going to let that happen. He didn’t really agree with the whole snitching part but if it was to protect Evan, he would do it.

 

“We can’t. I’d prefer to not live in hell.” Evan joked, although it didn’t seem like a joke. It had a very serious, and very true undertone.

 

“We won’t let that happen. Come on.” Jared insisted, standing and holding out a hand to help Evan.

 

“Uhh, O- okay...” Evan agreed reluctantly. Connor felt happy they were going to get the boy help, get him to be happier. And hopefully Connor could protect Evan’s body from cuts and scars. He knew Jared didn’t know about that event, and Connor was fine with that as long as Evan never tried to do it again. He could let bygones be bygones; as long as Evan didn't try again, that is.


	9. Dinner And Research

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late. I'm trying to post at least every Friday so it's not more than a week in between chapters.
> 
> I ended up having a three hour dinner last night so I didn't get a chance to proof-read this before publishing.
> 
> I'll try and get another one out by Monday as an apology.
> 
> WARNING: Panic attack (minor), Mutism (Does this count? I'll add it this time but it will be a part of the rest of the story so you know).

Connor followed Jared and a shaky Evan out of the room. They had made it no further than ten steps down the hallway when Evan began hyperventilating. Connor had no idea what to do but was glad Jared appeared to.

 

Evan collapsed on the floor, followed by Jared. Evan didn’t seem to hear what was being said but he eventually started replying.

 

“Evan? Evan? Can you hear me? I need you to breath with me. Can you do that for me?” Connor heard Jared question. He watched as Evan slowly lifted his head and began to nod.

 

“Okay. We’re gonna breath in, count to four, then breath out and count to four. Can you do that?” Evan nodded again.

 

“Good. Okay. Breath in.” Jared took a large breath in, waiting for Evan to copy. The boy did but only lasted to the count of ‘two’ before he was heaving again. Connor was debating stepping back a little to give Evan some more space but chose to stay still. He didn’t want Evan thinking he wasn’t supporting the boy but also didn’t want to overcrowd him.

 

“Good job. We can try again. Ready? Okay. Breath in. Two, three, four. Breath out. Two, three, four.” Connor took note that Jared kept praising Evan even if he hadn’t completely done what was asked. This time, Evan followed the full breath and counts to four.

 

“Well done. I’m proud of you. Let’s do that again, okay.” Connor watched as Jared continued the breathing exercises with Evan following along. His breathing was returning to normal which comforted Connor. He would be okay; not that Connor worried of serious danger.

 

Jared placed his hands on Evan’s knees and a few seconds later Evan was shaking his head, Jared’s hands retreating. Connor took another note. Evan, in this state, could only communicate through small gestures and so, understanding these gestures was quite important. The head shake must have meant ‘please don’t’ or something like that.

 

They continued the breathing exercises until Jared stood and pulled Evan to his feet. The boy was still a little wobbly so Jared held onto him.

 

They decided to talk to Mr Quinn (the man who dealt with student requests and complaints) another time as Evan was in no state to talk to him.

 

Once back in their room, Evan and Jared played some games on their phones while Connor browsed the internet. Jared left around an hour later at 5:30pm and Connor excused himself to go to dinner despite not actually leaving to eat.

 

Connor went to the courtyard instead. He didn’t wish to be in his dorm or in the forest so he sat by a tree and began to read.

 

It was around ten minutes later when Connor’s reading was interrupted.

 

“Hey Connor!” A voice called out. Connor looked up to see Garrett jogging over to him. He was surprised that the boy had remembered his name and was willingly talking to him. It’s not like anyone talked to him unless they had to.

 

“Hi Garrett.” Connor replied. Garrett was standing in front of him now and Connor was looking up at him, uninclined to stand. “Did you want something?” Connor questioned after a short silence.

 

“Oh, uhh, yeah. Did you want to join Dario, Maria and I to dinner?” Garrett invited. Connor’s stomach grumbled at the concept of dinner and he remembered he’d never had lunch. “Sounds like your stomach want to.” Garrett joked.

 

“Sure, why not.” Connor agreed. He stood and walked to a small car park off campus, meeting Maria and Dario there. According to Garrett, Maria is Dario’s half-sister who starts college the following year. She shared a small house with Dario just off campus which Garrett basically lived in as well.

 

~~~~

 

After ordering their food, they conversed. They spoke of different, light-hearted topics, learning more about each other.

 

“Uhh, Dario?” Connor questioned. The boy nodded in response. “I, uhh, I don’t want to sound rude, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Connor continued. Dario nodded again. “Why don’t you talk?” Connor spat out, immediately regretting after he did. “You know what, nevermind. Forget I asked.”

 

“Dario?” Garrett questioned calmly, looking to his boyfriend. They were holding hands again and it looked as if Garrett gave Dario’s hand a little squeeze for comfort. Dario nodded to Garrett. “He’s mute. Meaning he doesn’t speak.” Garrett explained.

 

Connor knew what this was. It was one of his hobbies to look up random mental illnesses and learn about them. While mutism wasn’t necessarily a ‘mental illness’ per se, it did have mental implications.

 

“Oh, okay. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable by asking. Do you know sign language?” Connor answered. He knew a little sign language as when he and Zoe were twelve and thirteen, their mum went through an ‘ever-ready’ phase. This meant his mum had wanted the entire family to be ready for any situation, including running into a deaf person.

 

Dario nodded and signed a sentence, clearly assuming Connor knew as well.

 

“Sorry. I only know a little. My mum made me learn basics.” Connor explained.

 

“He asked why you were talking to him directly. Not many people do that, they usually talk to me as if he isn’t here.” Garrett explained.

 

“Oh, right. One of my hobbies is researching and learning about new things. I spent a day or two researching mutism so I know a fair bit about it. Aside from that, just because you don’t speak doesn’t mean you can’t converse yourself. I imagine it must suck having people talk as if you're not there.”

 

‘Yeah, thanks.’ Dario signed. Connor nodded and the conversation reverted back to light-hearted topics.

 

~~~~

 

After eating, they climbed back into the car, still talking. Parking back in their spot, they climbed out. Connor began to walk off before Garrett called him back.

 

“Can I get your phone number? It’d be convenient since we seem to keep hanging out.” Garrett requested. Dario nodded in agreement and Maria had already walked inside the house.

 

“Sure.” Connor agreed. They exchanged phone numbers and Connor walked away. As he was about to turn out of view, he looked back to the two boys still standing behind the car.

 

‘I like him.’ Dario signed. He also signed some other things but Connor couldn’t work it out. He made a mental note to brush up on his sign language as he turned and continued to walk back to campus.

 

~~~~

 

Connor - 7:43pm: Thanks for the invite to dinner. Also, can you let Dario know I kept his drawing that he left behind the other day after studying. I’ll give it back next time we hang out.

 

Garrett - 7:58pm: No problem. It was nice. I’ll let him know.

 

Connor - 8:02pm: Thanks

 

Evan walked into the room while Connor sat studying new signs.

 

“Hey. Decide to go get dinner in the end?” Connor questioned, mimicking the video signing ‘school’.

 

“Yeah. Jared invited me along with Amelia and Jake.” Evan replied. Connor looked up at him and raised an eyebrow, not trusting Jake was civil at dinner. “Really. Jake apologised and said he only did it out of fear of Chris. He wanted to start again so I agreed. He seemed civil enough, I guess.”

 

“What about Chris?” Connor questioned.

 

“He’s leaving the college. He took a baseball bat to Jared’s room and so he’s not allowed to stay in the dorms anymore. And he lives too far away to go to this college without the dorms. So he’s leaving.” Evan explained. This was exceptionally good news and Connor wondered why Evan didn’t seem super excited. The boy looked exhausted so Connor pinned his deadpan responses on that.

 

“That’s good. You tired?” Connor replied. The boy nodded and flopped onto his bed, still fully dressed in day clothes. The boy pulled his covers over him and his breathing shallow out.

 

Connor wasn’t that tired yet since he’d woken up at 2pm that day. He continued to study new signs and brushing up on his old ones until 11:30 when he decided to try and sleep.


	10. Friends And Bowling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mention of self-harm, Mention of therapy.

When Connor woke up on Monday morning, Evan was missing. He’d probably left for some class seeing at it was eight o’clock. He got up and dressed, not being bothered to shower. He ate breakfast and made his way to his first class of the day.

 

After his first class, he went to study hall which he rarely attended. He sat at one of the tables in the back corner and dragged out his laptop.

 

Someone tapped Connor’s shoulder a few minutes later, making him look up. It was Dario.

 

‘Mind if I sit?’ He signed.

 

‘Not at all.’ Connor replied. ‘I brushed up on my signs.’ Connor added, informing the boy he was learning to communicate with him directly.

 

‘Thanks. You didn’t have to.’ Dario signed. He was seated now and was grabbing books out of his bag.

 

‘I don’t mind. Besides, how else am I going to talk to you?’

 

‘I can still hear.’ Dario reminded.

 

“But I wouldn’t know what you're saying in response.” Connor countered, using his voice. Dario was looking down at his drawing so Connor opted to speak to get his point across.

 

‘Thanks.’ Dario replied.

 

The rest of the study hall was sat in silence. As Dario got up to leave, Connor told him about the drawing he’d left behind.

 

~~~~

 

They walked back into his room and Connor handed Dario the drawing. After he left, Connor flopped onto his bed and rested his head on the pillow. There was a crumpling sound so Connor lifted his head to see a sticky note. Connor immediately remembered the previous Monday where he’d walked into his room to find a sticky note saying his roommate had killed himself. Connor picked up the note and began to read.

 

_Connor,_

 

_I’m sorry you had to be present for all my mess ups. I’m dealing with it this afternoon. I won’t be sleeping here tonight so you know._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

Connor knew this was from Evan as who else was able to get into their room. Connor’s mind began turning as he ran out of the room, heading straight to Jared, sticky note in hand.

 

“Kleinman! You in there?!” Connor yelled through the door, banging on it.

 

“What do you want?” Jared questioned, opening up the door to see Connor.

 

“Evan left this sticky note and I don’t understand what it means.” Connor announced. Jared stepped back from the door, allowing Connor into the destroyed room.

 

“Evan wasn’t fucking kidding when he said Chris went psycho with a baseball bat.” Connor joked, looking around the room.

 

Jared glowered at him. “Stay on focus Murphy. What does the note say?”

 

Connor handed him the note and Jared started to worry a little too.

 

“I’ll text him. Find out what’s happening.” Jared announced, fishing his phone out of his back pocket.

 

~~~~

 

It was about around forty minutes later and they were sitting on the floor with no answers of Evan’s whereabouts.

 

“Uhh, Kleinman?” Connor got his attention.

 

“Yeah?” Jared replied. Connor wasn’t certain he should say what he was going to but he couldn’t think of a better alternative. Jared had a right to know anyway, being Evan’s best friend and all.

 

“Yesterday, before you came over, I went to have a shower.” Connor began recounting.

 

“What does this have to do with Evan?”

 

“When I got back and opened the door, I saw Evan had been crying and he had a blade two millimeters from his skin.” Connor continued.

 

“He... He what?! You’re lying! He wouldn’t do that!” Jared defended Evan. Defended him from what, no one was sure.

 

“It’s true. I stopped him before anything happened though.” Connor confirmed. He watched as Jared tried and failed to grab his phone and text Evan yet again.

 

It was a few hours later consisting of phone calls and text messages to Evan.

 

“Have you tried his mum or dad?” Connor questioned, running out of ideas.

 

“Yep. She didn’t answer.”

 

“What about his dad?”

 

“Don’t have his number.”

 

“Should we be looking around campus?”

 

“Probably.”

 

They stood and began searching together.

 

“Don’t get me wrong. I still hate your guts. Just more helpful having four eyes looking that two.” Jared announced, clearly trying to start something.

 

Connor refused to participate. All he was thinking about was Evan and all the horrible, self-destructive things he could have done by then.

 

~~~~

 

It was around 10pm when they called it quits for the evening.

 

“I’ll come wake you up if I hear anything.” Jared promised, leaving Connor behind at his room. Jared had planned to stay up all night, trying to get in contact with Evan but Connor knew he’d fall asleep. Worrying was generally pretty exhausting. Connor tried to sleep, knowing there was nothing he could do but wait for news on Evan.

 

Sleep soon captured Connor, pulling him into its clutches. Although, as soon as Connor slept, he wished he was awake.

 

“This is all your fault. It must be you. Both roommates you’ve had have killed themselves. We don’t want anymore students dying so we have to ask you to leave the college. You’re a danger to society.” The head of the college explained.

 

Connor nodded glumly and went to pack his bags.

 

“Oh, there will be no point to that. Prison won’t allow any of that stuff.”

 

“Wait! Prison?!” Connor exclaimed.

 

“Yes. Prison. Have you already forgotten you murdered two people?” The man explained. He was sinister, not a hint of sympathy or other emotion behind his words.

 

Two guards came into the room and dragged Connor away, heading for a life sentence.

 

~~~~

 

Connor awoke in a cold sweat, sun on his face. Still gotta get those curtains. He got out of bed and went to shower. Getting back to his dorm, he saw Jared sitting against the door.

 

“Any news?” Connor questioned sadly, expecting the answer to be ‘no’. Jared looked up and smiled.

 

“He’s safe. He had an appointment and ended up staying home overnight. Says he’ll be back by one.” Jared explained.

 

“Oh my god.” Connor sighed a breath of relief. Connor was either expecting no news or the ‘he’s dead’ news. He was so so thankful it wasn’t the latter. Jared walked off and Connor finished getting ready and went off to his first class, skipping breakfast.

 

~~~~

 

Garrett - 11:14am: Do you wanna join the three of us for lunch at our house? All good if you already have plans.

 

Connor - 11:34am: I’ll be there. What time?

 

Garrett - 11:35am: Cool. 12?

 

Connor - 11:35am: Sure. I’ll drop some stuff off at my room and then come.

 

Garrett - 11:37am: Ok. See you soon.

 

~~~~

 

Connor was standing outside the house, waiting for the door to open. He was greeted by Maria who invited him inside and led him to the kitchen where the dining table was.

 

“What’s for lunch?” Connor questioned, smiling at Dario and Garrett holding hands in the corner. They were always holding hands as far as Connor could see. Not that he had a problem with it or anything.

 

“I’ve made homemade gnocchi. Is that okay?” Maria replied.

 

“Of course. It’s been ages since i’ve had gnocchi.” Connor smiled again. He was happy here. Happy these three students seemed to enjoy spending time with him. Why else would they had asked him to join along more than once?

 

They were seated at the table, eating the best gnocchi Connor had ever had. They were talking about upcoming movies when Connor changed the topic.

 

“How would you feel about going bowling with me and one of my other friends on the weekend?” Connor questioned. He noticed he referred to Evan (who he planned on inviting) as a friend but quickly enforced it was because that was the easiest way to ask.

 

‘I’m happy to do that.’ Dario signed.

 

“Sure. What day?” Maria answered. Garrett nodding in agreement.

 

“Maybe Saturday?”

 

“Sure” Was the reply.

 

~~~~

 

Connor had spent the afternoon at their house. They were sat on the couch binge watching old movies and laughing at how bad the quality, plot and everything else was.

 

Connor checked his phone for the unlikely chance of a notification and discovered the time was 5pm.

 

“Crap.” Connor muttered, grabbing the attention of the other three. “I gotta run. Thanks though, this was fun.” Connor said, standing.

 

“Sure, no problem.” Garrett replied. Connor smiled back at them and let himself out.

 

~~~~

 

Connor was pacing outside the door, debating running from the group therapy session. He ended up attending. He walked in and took a seat, still just as reserved as last week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: With the ASL (Sign Language), I'm sorry if something isn't able to be said in sign language exactly. I am learning ASL but I'm at very basic stages. If something is wrong, offensive in anyway or doesn't make sense ASL wise, let me know and I'll do my best to fix it.


	11. Goodbye

This is not a chapter. There won’t be anymore chapters. I have made the personal decision to discontinue this story.

 

My reasoning for this is that this isn’t interesting. This worked as a boring, substory to Evan’s version. Nothing interesting was happening. The plot is continued in Evan’s version so if you are enjoying the story, check that out here:

 

[ http://archiveofourown.org/works/11060139/chapters/24661614 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11060139/chapters/24661614)

 

Anyway, I’m hoping you’ll support this change. Since I will be able to update after writing one chapter (rather than two), I’ll be planning on updating more. It will at least be once a week but hopefully two based on my school work load. I will try my best not to leave it more than one week.

 

This story will stay up as I am still proud of it. It will just be easier having one story to write rather than two. In the words of a friend; ‘One really interesting story would be better.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you're upset by this change. It was my personal choice. If you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer honestly.


End file.
